at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
