Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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