Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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