I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
