My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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