My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
