Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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