if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
