so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
