yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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