"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
