If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
