I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
People in love make me want to vomit
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
