I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Damn victory sex feels great
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
