Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
