Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Randomize
