This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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