he shaved USA in his pubs
honey bunches of taint.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
