Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
