I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
