Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
our cab driver is having phone sex.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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