I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
