Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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