Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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