someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
