Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Please, let me fuck your mom
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
