Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
