Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
