just tell him i said nine months
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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