There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
