Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
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