I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
