Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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