Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
