Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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