dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
