he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
