I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
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Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.