i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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