who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?