did you get engaged???
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
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now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
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sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.