True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
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I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
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You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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