My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you have to choose: penises or morals?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
