no, he came in my armpit
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
