why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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