I got chris browned last night
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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