I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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