Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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