My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
