maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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