i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
