I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
