found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
