I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
