i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
