She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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