Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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